St. Mary’s Junior Encounter - February 5, 2018
Dearest Claressa,
I’ve been trying to write you for over a year.. since you said letters from me could help our relationship. I’ve struggled for several reasons. I still feel grief and anger over the circumstances that hurt our connection, and I haven’t wanted to write while still angry because I haven’t wanted to say anything that was untrue or skewed by that anguish. I’ve spent over a month writing this letter, and cried on several occasions while trying to complete it, making sure it conveys only what is honest and loving. It’s always been important to me to be honest with you, even when that meant telling you there was no Santa Claus (except that year when you said you wanted me to tell you there was!)
In some ways, I have been frozen in time-stuck in places you have likely moved on from. I recall the night I left home to sleep in the cloffice at Awakenings, how you cried and threw your hands out to me and called out "papa" and how I rushed to you and scooped you up and held you in my arms and told you over and over how much I love you. How I wish I had stayed with you that whole night and every night thereafter until you were more ready. I still cry when I think of that, and I have often felt broken since then, not knowing if or how I can be fixed. And I wouldn’t be surprised if our relationship has felt broken since then too. I wish I could forgive myself for getting that so wrong. I wish you could forgive me. I wish you could know how much I wanted to be with you too. I wish I could do it over again and stay with you for as long as you needed me. I am so sorry.
You were my baby, Claressa. I raised you every day from before you could walk, took you with me everywhere, found things for us to do day after day, met other parents with kids you could play with. And I protected you fiercely, even as I fought my own fears to let you do things that might hurt you. I remember when that kid hit you, and his mom told him to say sorry and give you a hug; I said "Claressa, you do not need to hug that boy!" He had just hit you! How confusing that he should then be able to hug you? I remember wanting you to be able to protect yourself when you grow up and travel the world, and so trying over and over to get you into a martial art you would like. I’m glad you found Poekoelan.
I remember long ago you telling me that when you grew up, you wanted to be a daddy just like me. I LOVE being your dad, and while my deepest fear is that I haven’t been a good dad, I love you as much as the greatest father ever loved his daughter. And I see how amazing and beautiful and wonderful you are. I am so grateful to have been able to spend nearly every day with you as you grew from a little baby to a toddler, to a child, to a pre-teen. And I enjoyed the ways we played together, from "kiss the bee" when you were a baby and I zoomed the bee around your head and you laughed when it kissed your cheek, to flying you around in a cardboard box as a toddler pretending it was your airplane, to playing chase in the park on the play structures. Monster was always your favorite game!
We've never talked about our divorce, and it looms in the background like an unsettled mystery. You’re old enough now to understand better. It was so hard for us, and we were doing the best we could. We both worked hard to be good partners to each other. I loved mom so much and we enjoyed our friendship and time together a lot, but from the very beginning we weren’t well-matched sexually. Yet we had so much love we thought we could have a romantic relationship without much romantic energy or intimacy - which I now realize is crazy! It was hard to be emotionally connected but not really physically intimate, with the result that without wanting to I became increasingly emotionally shut down. And that was really hard for me and for mom who missed my emotional presence. We both became miserable, each of us yearning for more presence and connection, each of us waiting for the other to show up in a different way that would better meet us.
As a young man in my early 20s, I had thought that if we were patient, we might grow together over time and be a better match for each other. I loved mom so much I was willing to wait decades for that to happen. But after 10, 15 and then 20 years (longer than your entire lifetime so far), all the while working really hard to make our marriage work, in the end it didn’t work out. It ended after all those years because we had exhausted ourselves without being deeply nourished and replenished, and neither of us felt the pull or had the energy to keep it going. The first time we split up was after 10 years of being together. It was serious, but we decided to get back together and give it another try. We had so much time and love invested in each other that we decided to renew our commitment for another 10 years. In hindsight, it may not have been wise, but I’m glad we did because it meant having you in our lives. When we got back together after that first breakup, we didn’t know if we could make it work, and knowing how hard it had been to split up, we decided that after another 10 years when our marriage reached 20 years, we would split up automatically unless we both wanted to renew our marriage again and continue being married for more time.
Then we had you and Caden and we redoubled our efforts to make our relationship work. We have spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars on couples therapy, individual therapy, personal growth workshops and couples retreats. We grew a lot, but we didn't grow enough together; and neither of us changed at the fundamental level needed to meet each other where we needed to be met. We could be good friends and household/ parenting partners, but we weren't romantic partners. And the harder we tried to make that work, the more resentful and angry and miserable each of us became. Ultimately, we did what I would have encouraged you do if in a similar situation. When our 20th anniversary came up and we asked each other if we both wanted to stay together, neither of us felt the call or desire to be married anymore. We had struggled and suffered enough, and we desperately needed to make things better for all of us. And so we had to figure out where to go from there. We took a year to transition to a different way of how we could be a family together, and we adjusted to a new family schedule before we broke the news. I am so very sorry for how our fumbling of that whole relationship transition has hurt you.
Because I thought it would be better for you, I agreed to let mom stay in the house full time rather than us both alternating being in the house as we had originally agreed. I fear this has created the feeling that I left home, that I left you, and that idea breaks my heart, because I never wanted to leave you and that had never been our plan. I think it’s important to be clear about this, and I really want you to know that I never left mom, or you, for anybody else. Mom and I realized we couldn’t be together anymore, and we left each other, with me agreeing to let her stay in the house and keep it.
Sometimes we think and do foolish things. That’s ok. That’s just life and how we continue to learn how to live better. What’s important is that we learn and grow. If you take away anything from our experience of relationship, let it be this… the understanding that mom and I really did (and still do, for my part at least) love each other, and that we tried very hard to have a good partnership, and that we were fighting against ourselves to make our relationship work despite key needs we each had that were not being met. We love you very much and have made the best decisions we could for ourselves, for each other and for you. And we failed in more ways than we ever imagined we would, but we keep trying to do right by ourselves and by you. Don’t be afraid to get into relationships. There is much more to fear by letting them pass you by. You will make mistakes in life, and that’s a good thing. It means you are out there living life, and not playing it too safe but living on your edge where most personal growth happens! And that’s a very good thing!
I pray you will never write me off as your dad. I pray you will continue to want to stay connected to me even after you leave home. I know mom wrote her dad off when she was young and her mom had left him and she felt abandoned by him. But this is a different time and situation. And I really want to show up as your dad in whatever ways you are wanting and needing. Please forgive me for those times that I was not there when you wanted me.
And thank you for the ways you do reach out to me and include me in your life. The other night when we walked on Mt Tabor, I really loved that time with you. I treasure those moments with you. I will always love you, and likely more than you can ever know until you have children of your own. I will always be on your side and there for you when you need or want me.
And I will keep writing you too, I promise! I love you so very much,
Dad
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