The powerful forces at work today.....

Started June 9, 2019
Dearest Claressa,

As your birthday approaches, I am so impressed with you. You’ve grown from a curious, able, sensitive, aware, sometimes daunted child into a capable, aware, caring, humorous, engaged, persevering adult with good boundaries, communication and leadership skills. I am so proud of you.  And you have done it mostly without me. I know I’ve really let you down. I did a good job the first half of your life so far, and bad job the second half, and for that I am deeply sorry.

Thanks for your letter from senior retreat. Our loss of connection deeply saddens me too. I’ve missed the special bond we shared when you were young. You may not even remember it now… like it never existed. I’ve missed how we used to talk, and I treasured those times still when we take time to connect. I still think I did the right thing by letting mom stay in the house and me coming in every few days, but I didn’t know how to do that very well, and I certainly didn’t know how devastating it would be on our connection. I made sure you had a good family home support system, but I didn’t know how to take care of my own needs without a family support system. And I didn’t know how to re-establish a good connection when I came back into the home, which is what I should have done rather than try to normalize our situation. Our connection suffered because of it, and I feel responsible and deeply regret the impact on our connection. If I knew then what I know now, I would be tempted to stay in a relationship where mom and I are miserable in order to stay in my home with you. I don’t know what would have been better, because our relationship struggle was also hard on you. If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t have arrived late at that Pukelon tournament that I knew about, nor missed those tournaments I did not know about it. Nor would I have made plans any of those time that doing so interfered with my connection with you (of course, I would have to by psychic or simply never ever make plans!) That is the challenge of being a human being with my own needs while also being a dad focused on your needs. We don’t like hurting people, but relationships usually involve misunderstanding, inconsiderate actions and other ways where the people involved get hurt. The important thing is to know when and how to heal those hurts.  If I had it to do over again, I would have insisted mom tell me when you were hurting because of something I did, or I’d figure out some other way to stay tuned to your hurts so I could work to heal our relationship. Alas, I don’t have any of it to do over. By the time I learned how to be a better dad, and what I was missing that was getting in the way, it was pretty much too late.  :-(  The counseling I had requested did help a little.

Trying to live in two places was horrible. I didn’t know how to do it well. I only knew how to save you from having to do it. And I missed being with you terribly. I ached and cried often in those early years. I tried desperately to create a space where we could be together -- by getting that apartment on Lincoln with an extra room for you and Caden, by getting a futon so you two could sometimes stay at Fosterville, by getting a cabin where we could all periodically go to with each other, by planning family vacations that often didn’t work out for you or Caden’s schedules, inviting you to go camping or backpacking, by creating a space for you at my new house to the extent of building out my basement, and by repeatedly asking for family counseling when no one else seemed at all interested,  These were all bids to be more connected to you… to experience the sense of home that I had lost - hanging out together, playing games, playing music, going camping. I’m generally a positive person, but the depression I’ve suffered over these past 7 years has pretty much flattened what used to my generally happy mood. You know I have been sad about it, but I think you have felt just as powerless as I to change it, or perhaps you have not cared as much. Afterall, it was my fault that I was hurting. Mom didn’t want to be with me, and it was too painful for me to be in the house with her, and so we agreed to a divorce. 

On some level, I dreaded your graduation last year because the time had slipped away without healing the distance between us. I realize how it must have felt to you like I left you and Caden and that pains me. I didn't think I was leaving you, and I certainly didn't want to! But the impact on you must have felt like being abandoned by me. For me it felt very terrible..  like I got locked out of my home, and no matter how hard I knocked I could not get back in. I could see you inside, but I couldn’t get back to you. I have a lot of grief over all the time with you that I have missed.

As much as I have wanted to heal our relationship, I have refrained from talking about it with you, wanting to respect your boundaries and honor your need for stability while you got through school (and then through your black belt). But I think I was also afraid you wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me after you leave home, and my heart couldn’t bear the thought. Once you graduated, there was so little time before you went away. It makes sense that your energy is focused on moving outward, connecting with friends and the world. And I felt powerless to reconnect. Instead, I just kept trying to show you however I could how much I love you. 

My last thought before nearly dying in that accident last June (aside from “this could be where I die!”) was how I let so much time go by without knowing how to heal our connection. Thinking about it later, I realized that when mom and I split I was in so much pain and anguish over my sense of loss that I had a hard time being present to your pain. It always feels painful to me when I realize I’m hurting someone I love.  :-( I wish I had been able to hold my pain and also be present to your pain. I was hurting and it hurt even more to see you hurting. I didn’t know how to comfort you. I suspect you were trying to be strong for me, but in the end you simply grew cold to me. And I failed to comfort you and stay connected with you. :-(

In my pain, I forgot that I made the choices that resulted in that pain, and that I made those choices so mom and I could be healthy again, which I felt was better for all of us. I missed you, and got angry because I couldn’t have my family like I wanted. I got angry when mom had so much more time with you and didn’t communicate important events in your life, forgetting that I had agreed to let her stay in the house because it was better for you, forgetting that I chose to step back from our shared community where you lived so much life so mom could have a strong support network and not feel so triggered. I got angry with mom for taking more than her share of our assets because it made life harder for me, forgetting that I had ultimately agreed to it because I knew it would benefit you and cover all the unexpected costs we would have raising you. And I got resentful when mom planned things with you on my weekends without involving me, or invited Noni down on my weekends making me feel unwelcome in the only home we shared. 

There were also things I did not choose that I am still recovering from… all the times I planned to see you only to find mom or you made plans that took you away somewhere else, all the time I sat waiting for you to get home only to find you weren’t coming home, all the time I was told you had other plans so didn’t show up only to find your plans fell through and you were home waiting for me. Sometimes I wonder if mom was trying to save you from having the experience she had as a child of an absent father, and in the process helped create that experience for you. This theft of time feels like my child was stolen from me, and I do not know when or if I will recover from the grief and anguish of that. It is only when you seek to connect with me now that I begin to have hope that I will heal. I must remember that anything mom did that deprived you of having me in your life as your dad she did not do to spite me but because she loved you. Even so, I cannot see how it was better for you. And I do not know if I will ever fully forgive her for it. It felt like my efforts to get back to you never worked out because I was swimming upstreams after a boat with people actively rowing away from me. Those things happened, and they hurt me tremendously and they hurt you tremendously.

My great wounding as a child was feeling abandoned by my mom, and therefore feeling like I wasn’t wanted. I’ve struggled with the pain of feeling unwanted, and I easily imagine when I’m not included in plans it’s because I am not wanted. That is one of the big reasons mom and I split. I felt she didn’t want me anymore. I’ve gotten lots of counseling and done lots of healing work since then. I realize I need to recognize that story and put it aside to stay connected with you despite feeling unwanted. I so appreciated the book you gave me last year… “This Is Where You Belong.” At first I thought maybe you wanted me to be happy where I was… away from my family. But then I thought when I feel unwanted, sometimes I just need to come be with you anyway, because being with family IS where I belong. The cost of not doing so is to potentially give you the impression that I didn’t want you. Did you ever think that might be true? Because it has never been true. I have always wanted you. And so I started just hanging out at the house waiting for you to come home or pass through. I’m just hanging around like normal parents do, in case you ever want me for anything. Being wanted by you is a source of joy for me. I love when I can help you on a project. I want to be helpful and contribute to your life. I know my help doesn’t necessarily make things better… the jury is still out regarding the WPI tuition, but standing by you and supporting you is what’s important.  We worked on a lot of letters, and it may not help in this case, just like all the letters and organizing I did for Tubman Middle School didn’t save it for you.  On the other hand, all the letters and organizing I did for DaVince helped get you there, and that was a source of hope for you after how dismal and stressful Mt. Tabor was for you.  Someday, I hope I can be helpful to you as you start a business or build a house. 

Sometimes the hurt part of me gets angry.  I get tired of working so hard to be enough and to be included and wanted. Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel like I have been driven away because it is too painful to have me around. I want to stop feeling guilty. More than that, I want to stop feeling like a failure. On the spectrum of dads throughout time, I’m probably among the most caring, attentive and affectionate, so why do I feel so inadequate? Am I just a super sensitive person, or did all those fathers before me not care more about being connected to their children? I want to stop feeling like I'm never enough. I can never be as present as Mom. We designed it that way when I agreed to let her stay in the house. I want to stop feeling like shit. I want to stop feeling like a pariah. Would it be so painful to give me a hug once in awhile? And I'm past tired of not getting the information I need to participate in your life… all your personal activities I was not invited to and all the family outings I was excluded from. I’ve missed too many of your activities when you were younger, often because I didn’t know about them (and, yes, sometimes because I messed up), but I didn’t deserve to be thrown away. I wish I could do those moments over. I'm tired of not being invited to be involved in your life and feeling like I'm not wanted… like I need to invite myself and therefore feel like I’m being intrusive, and at the same time feel guilty or blamed for not being around!  There are people in this life who want me to be a part of their life and I have said no countless times over the years so I can be available to be in your life and you don't really even want me there. I got 4 invites to NYE parties, but no invite from you. I have lost important relationships because I have prioritized my relationship with you only to have you discard me. I’ve put off saying yes to life so that I’m available to you and Caden, but he is the only one who seems to want a relationship with me. I feel like I've given everything and it doesn't matter because it's never enough. Even now at age 18 and a supposed adult, you still don't seem to care that I'm hurting. When you were young, taking care of me wasn’t your role, so I took care of myself. But you’re a young adult now, not a big baby, and it IS your role to also try to bring healing and reconnection to your significant relationships… I hope you consider our relationship significant. It can’t just be on me, because we see how well that has worked… I obviously can’t heal our relationship by myself. ]

I had a dream awhile back in which we were jumping from tree to tree to escape a fire. The tree we were on was charred and you were afraid the limb I was on would break and I would fall to the burning forest floor far far below.  You looked at me with such deep concern in your eyes, worried that I would fall and you would lose me forever.  I turned to you and said very calmly “Claressa, if I die today, I want you to know that there is no one I have loved more than you and I will go peacefully to my death knowing that I have helped prepare you with skills and resources to go out and live a life full of joy that you will love.”

I don’t want to fall out of your life. I feel like I’ve been hanging on for so long by my fingertips - accepting whatever connection came my way, never feeling my efforts to connect were really wanted. I don’t want to let that story keep me from being present and there for you. While that has been my story, I’m tired of it and want to let it go. I have written about it a couple times before, but I want this to be the last time I write about it. I am deeply sorry for the times I failed to be there for you, and for all the time I have missed being with you and for how disconnected our relationship has been. And I am also really angry for how you and mom contributed to that. Ultimately, though, it was my own failing and my unknowing and my struggle to overcome. Perhaps now that you are older, you can help reestablish connection where I have not been able. I have seen you starting to do that already, and for that I am grateful. 

I love you so much,



PS: I started this letter back before your birthday, before graduation, before your blackbelt test, before your last concussion. There’s always something else I could hold off for, give you a little longer to get through your latest struggle. I have a bad habit of not confronting people I love when there are challenges in my relationships, instead waiting until I am less angry or more sensitive to where the other person is at. Catherine has taught me that doing so only keeps the relationship distant and never resolves the feelings that keep people apart. I have to be vulnerable and show the messy, unsavory, hurt parts of myself if I want a real connection. I would have failed your black belt test. In my life, if something doesn’t work out I try again and keep trying until it does. I have a hard time accepting and shifting.  My sense of what is right and just is too fixed. It shows up in silly ways too. This morning Molly ate the rest of my doughnut. I got mad at her, then went out and go another doughnut. I can’t go out and get another couple of years with you.  I wish I could. And having another child (as Catherine so wanted) might give me a chance to have the family experience I have so wanted and missed, but it doesn’t give me back the relationship I want with you. I don’t know what will or can, but I need you to know how much I care about it.